06.28.06
Suicide by Breakfast Meat
A friend of mine sent me this a while back, and well, I am still not sure if I believe it. It is a recipe for…well, hang on a second.
First of all let me say that I am a fan of fried food. By spending a mere 10 seconds in my presence, my oily sheen will give that away to you, and my physique is one that can only be described as “Body by Krispy Kreme“. I think that frying is good stuff, and while it may not be good for you, it makes everything better.
 I just want to swim through them like Scrooge McDuck through a pile of money… |
Take for example such treats as deep-fried potatoes or onion rings. Who among us can say that these are not the definition of awesome? McDonalds alone makes 4 million pounds of fries every day - so we have to assume that they are on to something here.
But recently there has been a trend in this rotund nation of ours to deep fry things that for no reason should be deep fried. Deep-fried Oreos come to mind. I had these at a county fair about a year ago, and the sweet batter that they were coated in actually achieved a feat that I would have up until then called impossible: they actually made Oreos sweeter. Inside, the chocolate cookie had melted while the frosting was surprisingly firm. It was like hot chocolate with cream wrapped in a donut. This was good living.
Well, at least the first bite was. After the third bite I wanted the nightmare to be over. The sugar rush, the fat influx, the burning sensation of a myriad preservatives coursing through my G.I. tract at incredibly high temperatures - I wanted it all to stop. This was the worst pain ever. Sure, it may have been psychosomatic, but something in my brain told me that continuing on was a bad idea.
The list of items that have no place in a deep fryer does not stop there. I have heard of deep-fried Snickers bars. Are these candy bars not good enough on their own? Come on people: chocolate, peanuts, caramel, nougat… do we really need to add “vegetable oil” to that list? And deep-fried Twinkies. These things are sponge cakes on the outside! What do sponges do when they hit liquids? That’s right! Please skip the effort on this one: melt some Crisco in a pan, stir in some sugar, drink it down. The effect is the same.
But still, we have not hit what I consider to be the coup de gras. The recipe my friend sent me was for deep-fried bacon. Don’t get me wrong: I love bacon. I really really love bacon. I dream about bacon. I want to be wrapped in bacon after I die. I want to be wrapped in bacon before I die! When I see a Beggin’ Strips commercial, I yell along with the dog’s nose on the screen: “It’s BACON!!”
But deep-frying it?
People, let me clue you in on a little-known culinary secret: all that white stuff on bacon… it’s fat. All that liquid stuff - the stuff there is shit-loads of in the pan after you cook it - that’s fat. Cooking bacon is done in a dry pan so as to REMOVE fat from it. You don’t grease a pan before adding bacon do you? So, to deep fry it, that is, to cook a fatty food IN MORE FAT is a about as misguided as a Scientologist signing up for an extended warranty when buying a Segway.
How bad is it? Take a look at these scientific images I researched for you:
 This is a healthy artery - an image of one at least. See how it has healthy, elastic walls and blood flows through cleanly? |
 These are the arteries of someone who has just eaten deep-fried bacon. Notice the breading that coats the outside walls and the mozzarella cheese filling? I consulted with some doctor friends of mine and 9 out of 10* of them agree, mozzarella in your arteries is a bad thing. (*the 10th fainted at the notion) |
I don’t want to be alarmist or overly panic-inducing, but if you eat this, YOU WILL DIE. Years will be stripped from your life in front of your eyes. If you order a second helping, your aorta may reach up to strangle your brain just to get it over with.
All that being said, it sounds delicious, and here is the recipe:
Bacon Tempura
4 egg whites
3 cups all purpose flour
2 1/3 cups cold club soda
½ gallon canola oil
12 pieces thick-sliced apple wood bacon
Salt to taste
In a large bowl whip egg whites until they form soft peaks. Fold into egg whites the flour and the club soda. In a 4-qt. Pot heat oil to 425 degrees. Batter the bacon slices and carefully drop into hot oil a few slices at a time. Do not overcrowd oil as it will overflow and bacon will cook unevenly. Once the bacon is golden brown, remove from oil using a slotted spoon, lightly salt.
Serve 2 slices fried bacon onto of about 2 oz of grilled corn or other seasonal salad garnished with chipotle aioli* and 2 lime wedges.
*yes, it has a fatty dipping sauce too!
Chipotle Aioli
2 egg yolks
Juice of 4 limes
4 oz canola oil
1 chipotle chopped very fine
Salt and pepper to taste
Blend yolks and lime juice together in a food processor, slowly add oil until thickened.
Stir in chopped chipotle and salt and pepper.
It’s your life, you can do as you please, but for God’s sake, if you plan on making/eating this, please first leave something in your will to me. I love cash, but I will take any cooking implements or books you may want to leave me. Happy dying dining!
Stumble it!
Anne said,
June 28, 2006 at 4:47 am
Oh.. wow. I can’t decide if I’m feeling hungry or sick. Maybe a little bit of both. Anyway. I tagged you for a little game, hope you feel like joining in
http://annesfood.blogspot.com/2006/06/meme-of-fives.html
Boutros said,
June 28, 2006 at 9:07 am
Ah, yes, the deep-fried bacon. I remember its discovery well, within the pages of Esquire magazine, I recall.
Wrapped in bacon when you die, eh? That would certainly lend a nice odor to the emanations from the crematorium.
Alejandra said,
June 28, 2006 at 4:20 pm
This has to be your best post ever! I laughed hysterically at the Mozarella stick arteries. Brilliant! This also brought to mind the recipe for Salade Licoise (not nicoise) dressing. The girls in my European Traditions class at culinary school practically fainted when Marcella, our fabulous chef told us the recipe: Diced pancetta fried in butter mixed with olive oil and vinegar. Salt and pepper to taste… [I suggested a dollop of lard as a garnish, but Marcella didn’t find it quite so amusing…]
Space Ace said,
June 28, 2006 at 4:32 pm
I don’t get the reference to Scientologists getting extended warranties on Segways.
But I’m a troglodyte…
Yer Bro said,
June 28, 2006 at 7:25 pm
Reading your blog - “coup de gras” on your deep fried entry is a neat (although unintended?) play on words. Coup de grace is the “Blow of Mercy” that ends a particularly nasty session of torture at the hands of the
Inquisition.
In English we often pronounce and spell it incorrectly as “coup de gras” or “Blow of Grease, or Fat.”
Dad said,
June 28, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Curiously enough, this fills a gaping hole in a new product offering from Bennigan’s - the Cheeseburger stick. In short, Benningan’s threw ground beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and pickles into a blender, formed the resulting mess into sticks, breaded them, and deep fried them. These bite-sized aneurysms pilot tested so well that you’ll all be seeing them nationwide in the next few months.
But what food science genius thought this up and then decided to leave off the bacon? BACON Cheesburger sticks would sell even better, I would think, though you lose the Jewish market. Or at least offer a basket with both the Cheesburger sticks and the deep-friend bacon strips - mix-and-match! Ranch dipping sauce would of course be required, lest we fall short of our daily saturated fat allowance in each bite.
And a Diet Coke, please…
While you’re at it, pick up this soup at Bear Rock Cafe:
Baked Potato Mountain Chowder
Russet potatoes with all the options: Old English Cheddar, Grade A butter, sour cream, bacon, green onions and chives, simmered in heavy cream and real chicken stock with garlic and fresh onions.
This is the most frightening nutrition label I have ever seen (remeber, this is in ONLY 10 oz!):
http://www.bearrockfoods.com/pdf/Soups_Nutritional_Information.pdf
Charlie said,
June 29, 2006 at 3:44 pm
I would love to try the bacon tempura with oily/eggy dipping sauce, then wash it down with some chocolate milk. But then again, this is from a guy who sometimes makes chocolate milk with half and half.
Tidbit: more than 20% of all Scottish fish ‘n’ chips shops sell deep-fried Mars Bars.
Eize said,
April 26, 2007 at 3:56 am
OMG! My life started shortening just by reading the INGREDIENTS for the deep-fried bacon!!! However, the constrained laughter (I’m at work at the moment) is working wonders for my abs, so I guess I managed to save some years.
Thanks for the smiles and information!