06.26.07
Kitchen Inked.
This will teach my wife to go out of town and leave me alone for two weeks…
Some of my longer-term readers will remember the article I wrote on chef’s tattoos, and how I was interested in getting one myself after my boss had used a lunch break one day for the purpose of inking his forearm. Well, allow me to fill you in on all that has happened behind the scenes since then.
I went to my local tattoo parlor and showed them my original tattoo idea which had all of the modern cuts of pork listed on it, but I wanted the base of the design to be the old-style pig. They told me that this idea wouldn’t actually work, since there was so much writing and so many fine lines. The tattoo would bleed with time, and in a year or two would look like crap. My only choices for this tattoo were either to make it large enough to spread across my whole back, or to go back to the drawing board. I chose the drawing board.
Taking into account the fabulous the suggestions on my previous post from Swan and Ed, I thought about the hilarious Simpson’s scene wherein Homer asks Lisa about her newly-announced vegetarianism:
 The sketch I put together in Photoshop. |
Taking that clip into consideration, I now had a refined tattoo idea. I still wanted to stick with the old-time butcher-block print of the pig, but now I figured I would work in the phrase “A Wonderful, Magical Animal” into the mix - since that is how I feel about pigs given the wonderful cuts of meat we collect from them. And to fix the problem of crowding the pig with all the cuts, I would only highlight the cuts Homer mentioned - which happen to be three of the best cuts from the pig anyway. A chef’s tattoo AND a Simpson’s reference to boot! My return to the drawing board had resulted in pure gold, and I was ready to go forward with the project.
All I needed now was to make sure I had the money to pay for the honor of permanently scarring myself. I assumed something like this would cost around $300. So once I achieved salary status at Rustico, I knew I had a steady enough job locked in, so I might as well go for it. It was just a matter of waiting for the wife to go away long enough for me to do something stupid. (Usually five or ten minutes is plenty of time for me to get into trouble, but this would take a little more time…)
With the birth of my new niece, and my wife out of town for two weeks, I had my window of opportunity. I called my good friend Boutros from Nookie Cookie to accompany me along - since she said she really wanted to see me in pain - and she acted as photographer for the ordeal.
After about an hour wait, my artist arrived on the scene, and it was somewhat comforting to see that she was a serious veteran of the tattoo chair herself. I would dare say that there was a greater percentage of her epidermis that had been colored in than not. She turned my sketch into a drawing, and said it would only cost $250 (I was saving money already!) so into the chair I went.
No sooner had I sat down, and right before the needle made its first mark - as if on cue - my phone rang. I apologized and went to turn it off, but noticed it was a call from my mom. As if she sensed a tremor in the force, she called me at the exact moment I was about to start feeling pain. I half expected the voice mail message she left to be along the lines of, “I don’t know why I called, I just suddenly had the urge to see if you were OK…” (She was just calling to say “Hi” as it turned out later.)
For the uninitiated, the pain of a tattoo needle feels pretty much the same as slowly cutting yourself with a razor blade. Non-stop for a half hour. There’s no denying that it kinda sucks, but on the other hand, the pain is hardly “unbearable.” I think the following photo montage will sum up how it went for me in the chair:
 The needle goes in, and the work begins. I am glad I could not see this as it happened, or I probably would have freaked, as I am not a fan of needles. |
 Though I couldn’t see the needle, I could definately feel it as it made my whole shoulder blade vibrate. |
 The finished product. |
So now that I have a tattoo, I join the ranks of, well, all other chefs it seems, as I don’t really know any chefs who aren’t inked in some way or another. This is just another rite of passage that I have gone through on my way to becomming a chef.
I think the next step is to get beaten up by one’s wife, which I fully expect when she returns on Saturday.
Stumble it!
Rob said,
June 26, 2007 at 8:49 am
DUDE! Congratulations, that looks great.
Phil said,
June 26, 2007 at 9:33 am
Nice. I must admit, if you’re going to get a tattoo, you really should spend the time to make it unique.
I think you should never turn your back on your wife and see how long it takes for her to notice, if she doesn’t read this blog…
Heather said,
June 26, 2007 at 10:38 am
love it!
Swan said,
June 26, 2007 at 1:16 pm
This definitely deserves the slow clap standing ovation. Bravo, my friend. Bravo.
Olivia said,
June 26, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I do like the design, especially the story associated. It is now a symbol of Chef Matt. Symbolism is humankind’s oldest form of visual communication, and we artists have incorporated these into their work since humans first began to delve into the world of visual expression. The first recorded indication of tattooing comes from Egypt and the transfer of hieroglyphics. I spent some time in New Zealand, where the Maori’s in past culturized tattooing as we culturize makeup. I’ve lived long and hard, with so many experiences the define me it would hard to choose one. As a chef, spice would have to play a role, for I am a lover of cuisine de equator.
You are now a living canvas, just as our plates are our temporary ones. Maybe your wife would appreciate the history.
Boutros said,
June 26, 2007 at 3:52 pm
It was truly enjoyable being there to witness your initiation into the club. You were very brave.
Eize said,
June 26, 2007 at 11:25 pm
(Hoping this comment gets through, because the internet here sucks big time)
I have often toyed with the idea of getting permanently marked myself, but a comic strip in our local newspaper put an end to that idea (Quote, translated as best as I could: “When you’re 80 years old and wrinkled, Snoopy won’t look cute anymore.”). Plus, I have this awful tendency to change my mind about things, so I simply junked the idea. I am impressed and [strangely enough] proud that you’ve taken this quantum leap in scarring yourself on purpose. Congratulations!
So, you’ve permanently inked yourself and expect a whupping from the missus–I think the brothers can skip the next level and work on your acceptance into the fraternity now!
Chris said,
June 27, 2007 at 1:38 am
So… unbelievably… awesome.
Paid Surveys said,
June 27, 2007 at 3:29 pm
awesome tatoo.. hey at least its original…very cool
Chef Matt said,
June 27, 2007 at 11:15 pm
I am glad to see the comments are all so postive…
Rob - thank you, I think so too!
Phil - alas, she asked me over the phone what I did with my day off, so I told her to check out the blog. She knows and is waiting to see it in person. And then kill me I am sure.
Heather - I thought YOU of all people would!
Swan - *Bows*
Olivia - If I tried a line like that my wife would say something along the lines of “you’re so full of shit, your eyes are brown”. But hey, it’s worth a shot! All I know is, this WOULD be a good symbol for me - maybe a nice avatar on other sites I frequent.
Boutros - it was great having you there, and thank you for your vote of confidence to my bravery. Like I said, it was easier not being able to see what was happening.
Eize - As I mentioned in my previous post, I am quixotic in nature as well, so nothing ever “stuck” as an idea for a chef’s tattoo before. This one for some reason just always seemed “right”. I guess it’s like falling in love - when it’s right, you just know it.
Chris - Thanks…so….much.
brilynn said,
June 28, 2007 at 10:15 am
I think that’s one of my favourite Simpsons episodes…
Swarovski crystals chick said,
June 28, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Homer Simpson is sooooo cool! Love the pig tattoo they got the colour just right. Nope that’s your sorry sore bacon. OUCH! Hope it heals soon.
MC said,
June 30, 2007 at 2:22 am
Welcome to the wonderful world of Transmundanity.
http://rantocracy.blogspot.com/2007/06/week-7-pageant-of-transmundane.html
You’ve now set the high bar…a tattoo really ups the ante.
Vomerific said,
June 30, 2007 at 3:21 am
AWESOME!!!! Fin, you are my hero. You have melded the Simpsons, the universe’s most amazing animal, and an excuse for public nudity all in one dramatic moment. God bless you, sir.
Has Ed seen this yet?
Chris said,
July 2, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Well hells bells. You are rock solid Matt. I thought you were kidding until I saw the photo.
Just don’t ever get yourself thrown in prison….the “squeal like a pig” references would be way too prophetic
Eize said,
July 3, 2007 at 2:05 am
LMAO at Chris’ and Vomerific’s comments.
Don’t forget “fresh meat”.
BTW, Matt: I’m not sure if it’s just on my PC, but when I clicked the comments link for this post, all the comments became centered, and your sidebar on the right went to the bottom. :/
stavrogin said,
July 10, 2007 at 2:58 am
It’s cruel to tease people with a hint of a stupendously hairy chest and not reveal the full, frontal majesty. Cruel, I tell you. It looks like a marmot is suckling at your teats.
I must paint you.
Charlie said,
July 10, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Nicely done. Now when you commit a crime, the police will have a unique identifier: “Be on the lookout for a white male with a ‘magical pork’ tattoo on the left shoulder. Suspect is believed to have stolen a case of Celine Dion CDs.”
And god help you if you are ever interrogated in a Muslim country, either: “What the..? Pigs are ‘wonderful, magical’ animals?!! Mr. Finarelli, I think we will need to remove this tattoo before we let you go… with sandpaper.”
Barring either of those unlikely events, though, the tat is perfect!
Chef Matt said,
July 10, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Brilynn - I also love that episode. It has so many quotable quotes. “You don’t win friends with sa-lad!”
Swarovski - it healed quite nicely and quite quickly, thanks.
MC - I am thrilled to have won this award. I have been wanting one for some time, and I have posted it with pride on my awards section.
Vomerific - Actually it was with YOU that I first saw this episode. I remember that you were surprised I had not ever seen it (somehow I had missed it in re-runs) and so you showed me your taped copy of it. I loved that quote ever since the first time I saw it, and am glad to have immortalized it. Ed has not only seen it, he took a picture of it for his iPhone, so that is what comes up now when I call.
Chris - I hadn’t thought of that. I will now be as straight-laced as they come.
Eize - thanks for the note, there was a formatting problem, but that is all cleaned up now.
stavrogin - yes, I have the hairy chest of my Italian father, but none of the cute curly hair that would come with it. I lost all around. If you must paint me, we can only do it like Marge did for Mr. Burns… Just don’t make fun of my abnormally small genitalia.
Charlie - Since I don’t want to land in jail with a pig tattoo, I won’t be committing any more crimes. Why I would steal a case of Celine Dion CD’s, other than to give them to you, is beyond me. And thankfully, when I visit Muslim countries, I will be doing so with my shirt on all the time. Glad you like it!